And then I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Oh seriously. Nothing works. Nothing flows. Nothing makes me feel good. Everything makes me feel annoyed. If I'm around family or close friends they get the brunt of it, if I'm alone I stew in silence and listen to the nasty remarks my angry mind makes about everything. I'm annoyed by the sound the heater makes. I'm annoyed at how dull florescent lights are. I'm annoyed by stupid conversation, by earrings sticking together when I'm trying to get out the door, by all the stuff falling off the counter onto the bathroom floor when my bag knocks it, the chair falling over when I try to take my jacket off of it... It's all off! YEOW!
Gift. Gift. I remind myself that there is a gift in this somewhere. What! Where? Why! HELP! What about the voice? I have NO access to that voice when I'm buried under foulness. And when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, always caused by something specific which after a while I can usually detect (although the while varies from a few hours to days or sometimes weeks), I tend to be quieter, more introverted, more of an observer. This sentiment led me to the outdoors store during a break, where I communed with the fish in their giant tank. What serenity to watch them move and flow, and more than that, I think I was identifying with them - or at least imagining myself in there with them. The first time I felt any peace all day was when I stared eye to eye with a big carp, watching him float in front of me looking almost like he wanted to tell me something through his big fish lips, and I thought, "all I want to do in the whole world is stand here and stare at you".
Afterwards things got better. Not perfect, I still was fumbling around with my coat, dropping things, bag catching on the doorknob, but that moment of peace I took to indulge in quietness (with the fish) stayed with me and changed my vibe.
Ultimately in these moments I realize that I lack compassion for myself. It would suit me much better to treat myself like I would treat a crying child, be comforting and give myself space and peace, rather than get mad at myself for feeling annoyed or off in the first place, which of course makes things all the more foul and intense. This leads to the next question/lesson I'm pondering: how do you give more compassion to yourself?
LAB Light: The Modern, Restaurant at MOMA, NYC